Feb. 24th, 2012

megajessness: (Rockman X thinking)
I really don't know how my mother did it some days. Sometimes, I feel so weary, like whatever little responsibility I have, or whatever burden I decided to bear whether it's my own or someone else's is just going to finally crush me and there'll be nothing left of me. Or, rather, it'll be like gravity trying to crush down a star and said star will explode out with force before finally succumbing to the forces that be.

Optimism is so hard to maintain in today's world. I've been nothing but an optimist, looking at the good in people first, thinking of them as inherently good, and I'd rather see a person's good qualities first and see their shortcomings second.

It's hard, because it takes a lot of strength to take in all the bad, deal with it, and focus the rest on the good that you find. There are tons of little things that relentlessly beat you down, chip away at you, and at the end of a period of time, you get so worn.

Some people heal themselves through friends and family, but I barely have any family up here, and none of my friends. Actually, I have a very hard time confiding in a lot of people. Most of the time I refuse to. I don't want to show any weakness, any vulnerability that someone will see and exploit.

I felt that weariness in spades last night. I had wanted to tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be the one carrying his confidence and my own in the relationship. It's been hard enough maintaining myself, and I seriously need a break. I just want to be taken care of, where I'll have no worries and I can focus on refreshing myself if only just for a few days. It was easier back home because I had friends I could rely on for that. We could go out and do things and I'd feel tons better. I can't do that now, not up here. I miss my best friends so much. I don't want to do something like that with my boyfriend, because I feel this is something reserved for friends, maybe even family. I really need to hang out with Markie more.

My poor Nick, he senses it, and he wants to make it better, to fix it, and he doesn't know how. I just want my friends back. I want that presence and that quiet support that comes with just being around each other. It's all coming to a head right now, and with my grandfather's 3rd death anniversary coming up it's just getting worse.

It got a little better last night, but I just really, really, REALLY need some friends right now. My online friends can do only so much. I need some physical friends here to talk to and hang out with and do stuff with.

My mother endured all sorts of things, and her strength is phenomenal. I admire her so much for it, and I want to have the kind of strength she does. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to bear it much longer and I'll just either snap in two or explode and collapse into a dense little ball of waste material.

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