megajessness: (Mercury wut face)
[personal profile] megajessness
._. I am really not looking forward to my birthday this year. It's so drab, and so much is happening that my birthday is suddenly vastly unimportant. Not only that, the fact I'm 3 years away from 30 is not that exciting. In fact, I'm dreading being 30 and not have anything to show for it (in my eyes at least). I know I have all that I ever need, and I even have a boy who loves me and whom I love very much. But I had a specific image of myself that I used to imagine for when I reached my 30s. I'm nowhere near that image, even though I had all the opportunities set before me. I wanted to be married, be vibrant, beautiful, with the best curly hair that I could actually take care of, and to have a career I loved. Money doesn't fit into the equation, though I naturally assumed that I'd be able to live comfortably. I know I don't need to be rich to be happy, but I don't want to have to struggle so much financially either.

So as I get closer and closer to that stupid "magical" age I think of how little I've actually accomplished. It's so depressing right now, and I feel like such a failure. I cut my bonds to San Antonio and left almost everyone I love behind just for this? I thought I had more drive than that, but apparently not. Some things are looking up for us, but as of this moment I'm too depressed to take any joy from it. Besides, that good thing isn't exactly set in stone yet. And of course we're struggling, again, money-wise. We're pretty much constantly broke cuz we can't really afford to spend on anything other than bills and rent.

I used to be so excited that my birthday was coming up. I'd be getting well-wishes from everybody, and I'd make time to hang out with family and friends, and we'd go out and do something we all enjoy to matter if we could afford it or not. There was always something we could do that would make me happy, mainly because the people were there.

Now they're not. I only have Markie and Nathan up here, and what friends I do have are only through Nathan. Everyone else is back in Texas. I don't even want them to call me in 4 days because not only will I be working, it'll just depress me even further. I'm not telling anyone at work that day that it's my birthday, either. I don't want any birthday wishes from them either. Or, more correctly, I don't want any empty birthday wishes. I have no idea if they really care anything about me, and there are very few that I genuinely care for. I feel too distant with the rest. Iain, Angela, Sarah, Erica, Jesse, Perret, Peggy, Jim, Jereth, Brian, and maybe Teresa; those are the ones I feel closest to. Maybe even Carrie. She's such a sweet lady, and she's so genuine. Yeah, Carrie, too. I'd say Richard, too, but I was never sure with him.

People up here are much more "professional" in the purely dictionary sense than they are in Texas when it comes to work and the people they work with, even though it's a proven method that a closer team accomplishes more together than a team that knows nothing more about each other than their names and what they do. That's part of the reason why I feel like I can't get close to many of my coworkers at all. It could also be partly my doing because I'm constantly feeling the heartbreak of being away from the people I love the most. I don't want to add to that pain, but I do have to acknowledge that I do love them all very much. I can't help myself. I may not be close to them, but I still care for them.

...wow, I really go off on tangents, don't I? Bleh.

Date: 2011-08-09 05:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] firemane02.livejournal.com
Darlin, we all love ya. And I know that even though we're far away, we all close to you.

Try to have a good day, or at least smile once.

Date: 2011-08-10 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] artemis3120.livejournal.com
If you really feel that way, then stop being depressed and start busting your ass. ^^;

1. Look for a better paying job (easier said than done, I know)
2. Save up for school
3. Actually go to and finish school
4. Look for a better job you actually don't despise

Don't worry about getting older. You still have PLENTY of time to what you want. Just remember that everyone goes through life at their own pace, and that you're not running a frickin' race!

Date: 2011-08-11 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] megajessness.livejournal.com
Easier said than done, dammit. You know me better than that; when I get depressed, it takes a bit for me to get out of it.

1. Way ahead of you.
2. When I stop being too damn poor to even start saving up for anything I'll let you know ^_^ Save up? For college? Hah, too late for that. Honestly, I don't expect to pay out of pocket at all for it. I have to get student loans.
3. I plan on it, but I need to take care of number 1, 2, and moving into a house first. Oh, and take the ACT.
4. I never said I despise my job. It can be hard to deal with sometimes, but Kohl's is honestly the BEST retail job I've ever had. Unfortunately, I'm not earning enough, and still won't be earning enough once we move into the house we wanna rent out. You know we almost got evicted again this month? We're almost completely broke and bills are catching up to us. I've applied at JCPenny's for their morning stock team so hopefully I get it. I love doing truck unloading at Kohl's so I figured why not. It's Markie's position, too, so that means we can ride together into work.

Date: 2011-08-15 10:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yolospat.livejournal.com
I had the exact same image of myself when I reached my thirty's three years ago (I hate typing that, ugh) .. I thought I would be "more" but that's what our teachers and the media told us it would be, right? Sigh.

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