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I never thought I'd be unable to attend the funeral of a closer family member due to distance. Now it's happened. My grandfather's last sister, Carolyn McKracken (I think that's her last name), died yesterday afternoon. My mother sent out an email last night but I didn't check it 'til today. Mommy had even sent updates before then letting people know that she was failing and they had put her in ICU. I hoped and prayed she'd beat the cancer down again, but now that her suffering's truly ended I don't feel so sad for her. I feel sad for those she left behind, especially her brothers, husband, children, and grandchildren. Her youngest grandchild, Kadija, isn't even 10 and already she's lost a grandparent.

I'm also worried about Uncle Don, Aunt Carolyn's husband. I don't know what he's going to do. He better not die with her. I'd be even more upset because I love that man too much to let him do that to himself. I hope Uncle Sam and Uncle Obie will be okay. They're the only ones left from Grandpa's siblings now. It was Robert (grandpa), Obie, Sam, Carolyn, and Alberta. Crazy Aunt Alberta died several years ago, then Grandpa last year, now Aunt Carolyn.

It doesn't feel real. It really doesn't, even though I've already shed only a few tears for the entire family left behind. I wish I could be there. Wish I could see Uncle Don and Uncle Sam again and give them a big ol' hug. Peggy and Sandy too, and Joe. Sending some comfort through Mommy is all that I can do for now.
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This sucks. One month after everything went down and I'm still feeling it. It hasn't gotten much better, but it's not the heartache. It's the after-effects. I feel like it's not worth it to put that much of myself out there for someone ever again. Why bother if all it's gonna be is bad timing and being left out? I can be tough to deal with because of my fiery nature, but I'm not that bad of a person once you get to know me. I'm not even high-maintenance. All I ask is that I'm respected, told the truth in all matters, and loved. That's ALL! In return I'll love you, respect you as best I can, protect you, tell you the truth, etc. I also expect patience cuz I know I can be trying, even though I'm not very patient at all unless you tell me to be on certain things. My stubborness can quell my impatience easily.

And everything was dashed to pieces. Thoroughly. I could have been patient if I was told, but you know what? There was still so much going on without my knowing, that I felt was important enough for me to know, that I could only take so much. and lo and behold, I find out shit I should have been told MONTHS ago so I could deal with it sooner.

Ugh, just ugh. Even with April being here it hasn't helped at all. Though, another friend just reminded me that I did say I'd go to him if something big went down. He's liked me for a long time, and we've been talking for long time online. I just dunno. I'm still not ready to be in a relationship so soon. It's so emotionally draining even when things are going well. I'm 25, screwed up almost every relationship I've ever had, and yet somehow people still like me enough to be in a relationship with me. It's astounding. The only thing I consistently did right was keep my vow to remain a virgin 'til marriage, but at this rate it might as well be a vow of celebacy.
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Gaaaaaaarrrrrr, my phone! Argh, it keeps shutting off on me randomly, even on a full charge! It's the battery somehow, cuz when I first got it the phone operated fine for months! Then it starts pulling this crap. I keep missing texts and calls from work because of this bullshit!

Now I'm afraid my coworkers will think I'm unreliable just because I don't answer my phone or don't look at it often enough to see if it's still on. I mean, it was just *sitting there*! Not being jostled around or anything! D: WTF, man??

Free

Mar. 23rd, 2010 06:31 pm
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So it's all over. I feel better, and I'm forever glad I have the support of family and friends by my side even though I live miles away from them. The wonders of the Internet.

Kyle pretty much knew, for himself, that we wouldn't marry the last time I said no during that spring break we went to South Padre Island. I could curse myself in hindsight for that blunder, but I couldn't lie to myself and say yes because I was cornered and scared again. I actually wanted to say "wait" but I didn't. Geh. And the time I actually turned around and said "you know what? I *do* want to" he never let me all this time. It ate me up inside more than I care to tell anyone. I've ranted and lamented enough about that.

He and I are still on good terms, because we still love each other to an extent. I personally can't help it. We've known each other for 11 years. If we never talked again after this it would truly be a waste.

It just sucks. I do want someone at my side for all time, and it still hurts that I came SO STUPIDLY CLOSE and I blew it. Shit.

I'm pretty sure that Heather hates my guts right now but she can whine and rant and seethe all she wants. I still hurt from the fact she called me delusional, when I'm anything but. I am an optimist, I believe in the good in people, the world, and situations. I've fought an uphill battle with realists and pessimists my entire life. I know what's out there, I know it exists, but that isn't my focus. Hope and faith is something wonderful, and love is the greatest force there is. Ever.

All in all I guess I feel excited, along with relief, because I'm finally free from all that tragedy that I allowed to happen. It's both Kyle and I's faults in a way. I still don't much feel like making many friends up here. I've felt so lonely and it's a little worse now that Kyle and I are through.

April's moving up here in little under two weeks. It'll help so much to have her here. so now it's time to mail back the ring he gave me, and I gotta find the dogtags he gave me xD; they're somewhere, I know they are. I'll need to scour everything I have to look for them, though, cuz I can't remember for the life of me where I put them.
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[Error: unknown template qotd] I'd hafta say it's "I'll Never Stop Loving You" by Britney Spears on this album I have called Cool Traxx! 2. and i'm ashamed to say it's decent. I don't listen to it often, and when it usually comes up on my Winamp I normally skip over it XD;
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Note to self: don't send angry emails to your boyfriend ever again...write them down instead and never show them to anyone else. Why? Because it always bites me in the ass, even if I feel justified. God...he wants to end it. He wants to end it.

It's my fault, you know. It's true; 3 times I've refused his hand in marriage for pretty much the same reason (scared, wasn't ready), and I consider it bad timing that I moved up to Washington just as I also realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with Kyle. I almost didn't go. I prioritized myself over a possible future with Kyle. Maybe that makes it clear enough that I don't deserve him after all, and never did. I love him, and yet...I'm selfish enough, at the time was uncommitted enough...that I still chose to move up here.

I thought Kyle would wait for me. I knew I would wait for him. I'm still completely willing to wait, no matter how long it takes. I realized he was more than likely busy, and I'm so happy that I still know him well enough to know that it really was him being busy and wasn't the worst case scenario I imagined in my head.

And this relationship, was it really all in my head? Was it really that one-sided? Am I that self-indulgent that perhaps I fabricated some of his feelings on my own? I probably still have no true knowledge of relationships at all even though I act like I do. Maybe I am better off without anyone because ... I'm still just a child. All I want is someone that will stay by my side, since I was a teen that's all I really wanted. Through thick and thin. I called them my closest friends at first, but then I began to want someone that was just a little bit more.

It could be I never, in my life, truly appreciated him and his tolerance. It's even more abhorent and just tells me that I don't deserve him at all. I can't think of one thing I've done for him without thought or question....he's always done for me. I haven't given back nearly enough that he deserves. It's probably right that I just beat myself up and leave myself to wallow in my own lonliness again, continue the cycle I put myself into. I thought I could give back by finally...finally...saying yes. And begin to give back all that he gave me that way. I thought he'd be happy to know that. Though I never found the words for that feeling until today. Which sucks balls.

He gave me a few days to think about it. I'll probably feel better tomorrow once I've slept on it all, but right now all I can think is, "Shit, I've done it again. He'll never want to stay with me now." I imagine too much, and I let what others say get to me too easily. It's always been that way for me, I can't help it. That's why I've always wanted the truth up front, no holds barred, as soon as possible.

Maybe it's best I set him free. I still love him, but now I'm afraid I may never be able to give him what he needs. What if I'm not able to give anyone what they need? Or is it simply the fact I'm always too late? I feel, I don't think. I'm smart and have plenty of common sense...but my emotions still rule me. I feel. I don't have words right away for how I feel, I never did. I always wished with all my might that I could somehow transfer my feelings so I could be fully understood. That anyone could feel what I feel and know and understand.

I know good relationships take a lot of work, and I thought I had what it takes. But if I can't express correctly what I feel, because everyone expects answers right away, how can I fix it? That's what I drilled into my head: everyone wants my answer right away. If I couldn't express it properly, I still made do. No one told me, "Take your time" or "take a few days" or "sleep on it" except my closest friends. I was always telling others that. And I always felt so guilty about causing problems I always felt I had to fix them right away so I could be called a good girl. And be someone worthy of keeping, of staying with.

I want to be someone good for someone else, and I keep making the same goddamned mistakes. If I ever learn, it may take years. I thought if for just once things worked out how I wanted I could redeem myself and there'd be no question.

Oh, Kyle, I'm so sorry. Right now I feel I don't deserve you, no matter how hard I try. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough. You tried so many times to reach me, to be with me, and I'm glad you were able to love me even after all that. Maybe you have bad timing too. To me it was "too soon". And now I think it's "too late". How's that, huh? "Too soon" and "too late", what a couple. Maybe together it would become "on time", or "just in time", or even "best timing ever".

I just don't know anymore. All this has spiraled down to the one conclusion that I'm just a childish, self-indulgent idiot that still needs to learn so much about relationships and staying with someone. My brother is leagues ahead of me because he's experienced more. I've always been too afraid to. And the one time I decide not to be afraid of experiencing something...this happens. I knew I would sacrifice a lot moving up here. Now I find I'm going to end up sacrificing even more. I don't know what to do.

Through all this I still want to stay with Kyle. But will he want to? Does he think it's worth it? I don't think he does right now. He's become more like me, he can't plan more than five months ahead, just like I can't. I can hardly plan 3 months ahead now. Thanks to Grandpa dying and the move and the selling of my childhood home last year...3 months ahead is enough. So much can happen. It's enough to make anyone wish for at least one constant in their lives.

Very few long-distance relationships last...I thought being engaged could make things more solid, more certain. He considers himself single down in San Antonio... If he ever found someone else, he'd be more than likely to date him/her. At this point I don't blame him at all, considering how I've been these past months. God since the move I've become so afraid of losing him just because I'm not physically there. Part of me knew it could very well happen, but like an idiot I let it rule me. I lost my faith in him though I've been faithful to him. I haven't looked at anyone else. I've told him so. I want him so much to know and to show him that I'm finally ready.

But he doesn't want to stay. Too late....again.

YST

Mar. 18th, 2010 02:01 pm
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So, uh, I began rewatching Yoroiden Samurai Troopers. I finished episode 8 last night. I was fangirling so hard XDDD

Nuff said, man.
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So after I rearranged my furniture a bit I put my CD-radio alarm clock on the dresser for better hearing when I wake up to it. Sooooo~ I tested out the radio and turned it to the local JackFM (cuz Jack ROCKS, man. I miss his wit on 102.7, tho.). It worked like a charm, with no interference!! Yaaaaay I can wake up to the radio again! I hate the buzzer, it scares me and creeps me out and is annoying. I'd much rather wake up to music but since I haven't updated my CD collection in forever the radio is prime choice.

One Year

Mar. 11th, 2010 12:12 am
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It's March 11th, 2010. Exactly one year ago, my grandfather on my mother's side, Robert Lowery, died early in the morning. I got the call for his passing from Mommy at 5:30 AM.

One year ago I was living in San Antonio in my great-grandma's mobile home, already booked with my surgery for the cyst in my neck that was to take place in April. The grief came in spurts throughout the entire day, and no activity seemed to cheer me up. I naturally called in for work that day and told my closest friends what happened. In the following months I continued to occasionally cry out of missing him.

I still miss Grandpa, and I always will. I've gone without hearing his voice or his laugh or his singing to the family pets. His eyes were as bright and strong as his personality. He did a great many things for a ton of people over the years. His life was a full one, one many would probably envy, and he was "just an English teacher".

I love you, Grandpa, and I miss you so much.

WIP

Mar. 10th, 2010 03:31 pm
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So I finally managed to get around to finishing my lil' two-drawer thing that will act as my mini-dresser. and already I'm gonna arrange more furniture somewhere else xD I already moved my alarm clock closer to the bed, but I'm gonna move my boom box and CD tower over to my desk so that top-right corner in my room isn't so stuffy. It's enough I have my dresser, bookcase, and TV over there. oh and my bin with all my important shit: bills, paystubs, W-2s, etc. prolly could use a file cabinet but that won't be for a while. and even then I think I'd get those plastic ones on wheels. Lighter and easier to move. and cheaper XD

Next step! Decorating my walls! :3
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My poor feeeeett!! I should know better! XD; but no, I had to decide to wear 3-inch heel suede brown boots instead of flats. bleh. I have 4 pairs of flats to choose from, 3 of which are perfectly suitable for work, yet I didn't use my brain cuz I was in a rush. Meh. Not to mention I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep before Holly called me to tell me to dress up a little because of the visit. I slept more, but the interruption cost me and I woke up at 3 PM x.x

The visitation, by the way, went swimmingly. There were a lot of people from corporate there and almost all the supervisors were there in the early afternoon. The store looked fantastic, too. I barely had any recovery to do at all, though I ended up unable to keep up with go-backs thanks to my task of sizing men's clearance. Amber was kind enough to give me a ride home, and I got to meet her fiance, Kevin. He looks like a very good man, I hope those two have many happy years together.

And now! I enjoy my two days off after working 5 days in a row. yaaaay, a weekend in the middle of the week! XD

Artsy

Mar. 9th, 2010 06:04 am
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I swear I get inspired to write by the strangest things: my own brother, for one. He has his stories, his writings. I dabble a bit in the art of literature, but my forte is drawing. Talent for art runs in my family on both sides, for both drawing and writing. A wooden pencil feels as natural to me as having a fifth finger; I feel like I was born to hold it and make squiggly strokes that in the end somehow all make sense and create a beautiful ending. I also like to paint, mainly in acrylic because oils take too long to dry and are harder to clean up after. I've done very basic things on canvas, which is why I turned to digital art for the ease of fooling with the traditional tools.

Even so, I feel more fulfilled when working with something more tangible. I love working with graphite, charcoal, and colored pencil for dry media. I prefer markers as my main wet media with the occasional novice acrylic painting. I enjoy every second of it as I give my rendering a life and my love. I always love my art, even when I say I hate it. I never throw away anything. Even if I scribble over it so much that the original sketch is unrecognizable I never tear out the page and crumble it up or rip it to pieces. To kill a drawing like that kills a little bit of me inside.

I always wanted to be recognized for my talent, mainly from my mother. I would always proudly show her my then-crowning achievements but never got a satisfactory answer. "Oh, that's nice, honey!" I could always rely on my grandmother for better responses because she always mentioned something that stuck out. "I like how you did those eyes!" or "Her face looks so emotive", something like that. It helped to know that my Grandpa's sister was/is also a painter. She worked in watercolors and oils.

Still, what mattered most was what Mommy said about my drawings. Even when I heavily got into anime and mimicing the style in a quest to improve myself, I wanted her to only say what she liked about it. I yearned for honest-to-goodness critique. I wanted to improve so badly so I could create beautiful things like the other artists I admired. My favorite "classic" painter is Van Gogh. Many don't like his works, but I like being able to see the brush bristles in his strokes and the dream-like quality. It honestly touches my heart. I blame the fact I'm an optimist and romantic.

At 12 years old I finally got some animal and figure drawing books. I've kept them all this time because they're chock FULL of useful reference and repeating trends in the basic forms of both animals and humans. There's comparisons galore, making it seem like there's a full semester or two's worth of art classes in there. They're thin books, too. When I actually took drawing classes for college I found an even better method, which I was afraid to try for the longest time: drawing from life. going out and sitting down in a comfy spot and just draw what you see in front of you. Map out the proportions and positions, whether it's a person or a landscape. Silly me, for years I convinced myself that one had to be actually good in order to do that.

Speaking of ability, people always tell me how good I am. I always think to myself, "Are they blind or are they just stupid? Look at this arm, I know something is off with the muscle and the crease! My style still looks too animu to be considered for publishing in the States, and have these idiots SEEN others' works?! I pale in comparison."

Yup, that's pretty much it. I always say thank you and at times honestly appreciate the compliment, especially when I'm moody. I tried surrounding myself with other artists that understand what I go through, and they do to a tee. Tai and Wingus do, and they're still miles ahead of me. Wingus' style is rather blocky, but his poses are so free-flowing. He can create movement so easily, which I have a tough time with. Tai takes her time and has a much better grasp of anatomy than I do by far. Even Shiro. She always discourages herself, but that kinda reverse-psychology seems to work best for her.

So why am I not being motivated to move forward faster? Why am I content to just sit back and watch them grow while I stay put? Makes me wonder if a maternal instinct gets in the way. That's the only other explanation I can give for now. I'm proud of my loved ones. I'm especially proud of Lesti, who worked hard and practiced enough times to get to her current skill-level. I may not have known her for that long, but I know through her effortless doodling she made countless mistakes to be able to go off a perfect silhouette and work her way in with no undersketch. Occasionally she makes a few mistakes still, but better to overestimate than underestimate. She also says she has no talent, but I disagree. She has a good eye, as do Shiro, Wingus, and Tai.

I always downsize my abilities, even though I'm perfectly capable of recreating the perfect texture. Speaking of which, my Drawing 1 second project in which we had to recreate at least 3 different textures in charcoal is the only charcoal drawing that I consider to be one of my very best thus far. I was able to render fuzzy yet wonderful soft plush, velvet, tight embroidery, fluffy stringe cotton, and rougher felt all in layering and erasing at charcoal. It really is a versatile medium, and I love getting messy with it. I've posted it on dA and it got no love. No love from anyone else but me. Not even a fav.

It's a closeup of my Kirara plushie that I used, on an area where the head, body, and tails all meet because that's where all the textures are in view. I wondered if anyone could see how soft she felt in all her fuzzy and fluffy glory. I admit the values are a little awkward, but the lighting each day I worked on it was never the same.

Moving on, my art style. It's something between western comics, ElfQuest, and anime. I can't stand to do the super-small pointed noses anymore unless I was drawing a child. 80s style was slightly more realistic, and ElfQuest is heavily influenced by anime as well. I guess you could call it "simple realistic", because I can't do actual realism from memory; I have to be in front of someone or something to do realism. I have basic face, eye, and nose shapes I vary from person to person, because that is the head's focus, that triangle of parts. Varying lips are a little harder, but lately I've found it easier thanks to doodling and commenting so much on Tegaki-E.

I know I've improved a great deal thanks to that, and right now I'm a point where I'm mostly very satisfied with myself. I know in a year or two I'll look back on all those and stick out my tongue at the horridness, so yes I am very content to sit back and go at my own pace while I proudly watch my friends surpass my skills sooner than I could ever imagine.

One last thought. I was always disappointed that Mommy stopped drawing. She's used her innate creativity for other things, but she used to draw and even do small jewelry crafts when I was younger. And even though she hadn't drawn for years I always watched amazed as she called up her skill out of nowhere and drew as if she never stopped in the first place. I love she can always use her skill whenever she wishes, and it pains me to know she doesn't anymore. She has the ability to create wonderful and beautiful things, but like me she denies it a lot.

Aaaaaand I just brain-farted. Goin' to bed, y'all, see you later XD
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Ugh....I hate credit events at Kohl's. It gets our sales and credit numbers up, but really, man...It's a hazard to floor associates. I am a floor associate. It was busy enough of a Sunday that I was pulled out of kids and instead put to work in misses when I got there. Four hours of hell in a handbasket. Two Z-rails full of clothes and still more piling up. At least most of the rooms stayed clean most of the time, but dayum all those clothes! The hanging and the folding and I barely had time for recovery and meh!

Good lord my feet hurt. I wore myself out so much trying to get all that shit done. AND I HAD HELP!! UGH! one other person was running the extra z-rail for me and I still had enough to fill it again by the end of the night. argh argh argh. It makes me feel so bad that I couldn't make everything all nice and pretty for the morning crew and not give them so much to worry about as far as go-backs are concerned xD;

So that's pretty much it. I'm glad I'm appreciated for the work I do. hooey.
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This is just to see if I'm doin' it right. xD LiveJournal's grown so much since I first heard of it, but I think I finally settled on something I like. Y'all better count yourself lucky I didn't choose that bright purple/green theme just to annoy my friends and hurt your eyes XDDD. I wanted something generally summery, as Summer is my favorite season and all. Helps that I'm a Leo and all that XD Ruled by the sun, fiery, moodswings out the whazoo and passionate and intense emotions. My boyfriend's a saint for putting up with me and my shenanigans all this time. I love him so much <3

I'm mainly here to be part of a community my friend Dandy decided to put together for our Robot Masters Tegaki-E RP group. Though she's recently dropped off and thus also dropped her characters, we all still think about her and pray for her; especially now because she's from Chile and while she currently resides in Europe for schooling her family is still in her native country. Poor baby's worrying herself sick and she's so frustrated at being unable to be there for her family.

At any rate, I don't even know how much I'll be writing in this sucker. I hardly post on my dA journals these days (lol I need to check my deviations inbox, it's so full right now XD; ). Several other of my online friends have an LJ too so we'll see. Later, y'all.

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