I fail

Nov. 11th, 2012 04:52 pm
megajessness: (sashi face)
I just ... fail. I feel like utter fail. I am full of fail, I can't even hold my head up high, can't even feel all warm and fuzzy knowing I have friends. I love them, but do they love me? Do they hate me? Do they still feel disappointed in me for things I've done?

I would like nothing more than to just curl up and disappear for a while. Shirk every single responsibility I've ever borne and let someone else take care of it because it's not like anything's getting done under my watch anyway.

I feel that disatisfied with my life at this point, no matter the amount of good things I still have and good things I have gained since moving up here. Winter's set its chill into my soul, y'all, and I'm not holding up too well at all.

It's a wonder I still have friends at this point. You're all wonderful for not leaving me, for being as patient with me as you can stand, and I still love you so much for it. I still feel like a total failure. I failed all y'all, failed myself, just ... failed.
megajessness: (Rockman X thinking)
I really don't know how my mother did it some days. Sometimes, I feel so weary, like whatever little responsibility I have, or whatever burden I decided to bear whether it's my own or someone else's is just going to finally crush me and there'll be nothing left of me. Or, rather, it'll be like gravity trying to crush down a star and said star will explode out with force before finally succumbing to the forces that be.

Optimism is so hard to maintain in today's world. I've been nothing but an optimist, looking at the good in people first, thinking of them as inherently good, and I'd rather see a person's good qualities first and see their shortcomings second.

It's hard, because it takes a lot of strength to take in all the bad, deal with it, and focus the rest on the good that you find. There are tons of little things that relentlessly beat you down, chip away at you, and at the end of a period of time, you get so worn.

Some people heal themselves through friends and family, but I barely have any family up here, and none of my friends. Actually, I have a very hard time confiding in a lot of people. Most of the time I refuse to. I don't want to show any weakness, any vulnerability that someone will see and exploit.

I felt that weariness in spades last night. I had wanted to tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be the one carrying his confidence and my own in the relationship. It's been hard enough maintaining myself, and I seriously need a break. I just want to be taken care of, where I'll have no worries and I can focus on refreshing myself if only just for a few days. It was easier back home because I had friends I could rely on for that. We could go out and do things and I'd feel tons better. I can't do that now, not up here. I miss my best friends so much. I don't want to do something like that with my boyfriend, because I feel this is something reserved for friends, maybe even family. I really need to hang out with Markie more.

My poor Nick, he senses it, and he wants to make it better, to fix it, and he doesn't know how. I just want my friends back. I want that presence and that quiet support that comes with just being around each other. It's all coming to a head right now, and with my grandfather's 3rd death anniversary coming up it's just getting worse.

It got a little better last night, but I just really, really, REALLY need some friends right now. My online friends can do only so much. I need some physical friends here to talk to and hang out with and do stuff with.

My mother endured all sorts of things, and her strength is phenomenal. I admire her so much for it, and I want to have the kind of strength she does. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to bear it much longer and I'll just either snap in two or explode and collapse into a dense little ball of waste material.
megajessness: (Default)
Why is it that whenever I do something that's viewed as breaking the rules, no matter if I take the consequences or not, I always think someone out there is going to hate me for what I did? That they're suddenly not going to like me for that one little mistake and hold it against me for the rest of my days, and bring it up to others to use against me?

It's an automatic response I have, and I can't help it, at all. I don't have that reaction to only the closest of friends I have, but to everyone else I think they're suddenly gonna hate me. I'm at the very least expecting a berating from every single person, and I am gonna take it like a bitch and cry myself to sleep. Cuz I don't like breaking rules, especially when I never intended to.

._____. I feel like such a child when I react this way. Next comes the impulse to disappear off the face of the earth and hope somebody forgets about the incident and/or forgets about me entirely. Just move on, nothing important to see, no, that person you knew wasn't really important anyway, no matter how much she'll miss talking to you and hanging out with you and bouncing ideas off you. No, not important at all. You wouldn't miss her anyway, she's just a crummy girl who can't follow simple rules and directions, why does she deserve to be acquainted with you?

True thoughts I have :/

Reminisce?

Mar. 19th, 2011 06:23 am
megajessness: (Default)
Please someone stop me from reading my older LJ baw-tastic entries again after this, especially since I still feel so disgusted at myself from being a total idiot and leaving San Antonio when I did. Good lord this past year and a half has been hard!

I'm still kinda bitter over it all, but that's always what happens when you're hurt by someone else. First the sadness, then the anger. I've been able to keep it from festering, but to be perfectly honest I don't care if I don't speak to him for a long time.

I'm also not moving back, not until after I get my bachelor's in marine biology, at the very least. Maybe, then I'll move back to Texas and continue my education there, but we'll see. I have a chance to achieve the dream I thought was going to be impossible when I was a kid. I'm good with art, I'm good with technology, both talents are in my blood; however, I always considered them hobbies, and I always said as much. My one true dream, my one true love that I had always wanted to get into and always loved learning about, is marine life.

And now, before I get off topic again~! All this makes me wonder how Heather's doing, and if things are going well for her. Ever since we broke ties I don't worry about her that much, but she's one of those friends where she's always been "fine" to some extent. She's spunky like that, and is good at taking care of herself. Even when she was having a shitty day, usually a few hours with some friends would be all she needed, and then afterwards some quality time with her cats...and maybe some alcohol XD

I also need to quit writing these when I'm so tired I can barely keep myself from nodding off at my computer.
megajessness: (Default)
Sometimes I wonder about my own mental age. I have a lot of online friends, and most of them are younger than me; some are even minors. Teenagers, teenagers everywhere! I don't usually think much of it, at least until the typical drama starts up. I've been there, done that, and more and more I'm starting to feel that I need to stay away from it. My teenage years were the usual: a lot of firsts, good and bad, tons of drama and hormones in between. These years are not easy for anyone by any stretch of the imagination.

It makes me wanna help them out. Y'know, smooth things over a little for them and clear up some fog if they're confused. I had a role model like that before, why shouldn't they have the same thing? I'm still young enough that I still have the patience to stand whatever they throw at me. I can only hope I have even more patience for my own kids if I ever have any. Then, this question comes up, "Was I really that bad as a teen too? ...Yeah, probably. No, I know I was. I'm so sorry, Mommy."

Honestly, age is one of the last things I ask about a person when I meet 'em. I tend to automatically treat them like my own age, maybe even older depending on maturity level. Actually, it's a little different for those who are obviously a lot older than me, but I think that's a given. Same for babies, cuz they're so young. I'd still talk to them, but not like I was their best friend; I'd talk to them as if I were their second mother XD

Anyway! Back to teenagers in my slightly-sick stupor! 8D yes, I'm finally getting sick, bleh. I had a rant in here, then I drifted and then I forgot half of it. Basically, teenaged drama is starting to get to me more than I think it should. I really need to just sit back and let bygones be bygones, but that means distancing myself personally from my friends and I don't want to risk that. I just dunno, sometimes I wonder if I'm just too damn old for them all. I have plenty other friends my age to relate to, so no worries about that.

I also wonder if they in turn feel distanced from me anyway, simply because of age. I haven't forgotten what it's like, y'all don't have to act like I "won't understand". ...I understand the problem, I just don't understand anymore why y'all don't do anything about it like I think you should. The problem with hindsight is that it's totally one-sided. No one will take advantage of the wisdom someone offers them unless they make the same stupid mistake and get told "I told you so." That's just how it seems to go. I only want to help, but sometimes I wonder if I should just leave it alone for a bit.

Oy.

Aug. 31st, 2010 02:54 am
megajessness: (Default)
And so now comes the quest to get my laptop back into optimum working order, because for some reason my HD wound up having errors on it that were spreading. Thanks a lot, Vista ._. I had to actually open, for the first time since I got my laptop 3 years ago, the restore disk and use it. And of course now I gotta catch up on stupid updates, reinstall (or copy) what programs I had on here before, update Flash and Shockwave player, and then copy what music I don't already have on CD and also copy all my art and pictures back onto my C drive. And then I plan to defragment it.

So, hopefully my computer will run a little smoother now. yeesh, my poor laptop's been to hell and back. I've never had so many BSODs on any other computer than this one. I am soooo upgrading to Windows 7 ASAP. It uses less RAM, runs a helluva lot better, and it shouldn't be that expensive to upgrade; I just gotta save up a little for it soon as we take care of rent and other bills for the month of September. ._. aaand I just remembered, crap, tomorrow is the 1st XD; I won't have any spending money leftover after bills. I still need to write the check for our internet. I'm getting pretty good hours, but August was such a hard month financially, and then suddenly my computer problems started up. At least we won't be late on rent this month for once.

In my opinion I've taken good care of this laptop, and I'm sure it'll last at least another 4 to 5 years, especially if I upgrade the OS and the RAM like I want. 4 GB of memory is the max for this machine, but hey that's more than enough for me. and I haven't even used half of the HD space before I did the restore disk.

Though earlier today I tried to downgrade to XP 64-bit Professional. The OS installed and ran fine, but it conflicted with my hardware and didn't keep ANY of the drivers for it. My brother had to hunt them down for me, and even then it didn't completely work. Makes me wish I took a computer hardware class, cuz I like hardware, I like studying the specs and hearing about the capabilities of various NICs, graphic cards, sound cards, etc. I've always liked the idea of building my own machine from scratch and to my own specifications based on what I need. Plus it's fun to talk shop with other geeks. Like this morning at work I talked a bit of programming shop with one of my older coworkers, Barbara X3.

Anyway~ This would be why I wasn't online at all today :D I was fooling with my poor laptop XD and hoping to god I didn't have a bad sector that would cripple the HD altogether like it had with my previous laptop. The re-formatting worked, and now I just gotta play catchup. oy.
megajessness: (Default)
This sucks. One month after everything went down and I'm still feeling it. It hasn't gotten much better, but it's not the heartache. It's the after-effects. I feel like it's not worth it to put that much of myself out there for someone ever again. Why bother if all it's gonna be is bad timing and being left out? I can be tough to deal with because of my fiery nature, but I'm not that bad of a person once you get to know me. I'm not even high-maintenance. All I ask is that I'm respected, told the truth in all matters, and loved. That's ALL! In return I'll love you, respect you as best I can, protect you, tell you the truth, etc. I also expect patience cuz I know I can be trying, even though I'm not very patient at all unless you tell me to be on certain things. My stubborness can quell my impatience easily.

And everything was dashed to pieces. Thoroughly. I could have been patient if I was told, but you know what? There was still so much going on without my knowing, that I felt was important enough for me to know, that I could only take so much. and lo and behold, I find out shit I should have been told MONTHS ago so I could deal with it sooner.

Ugh, just ugh. Even with April being here it hasn't helped at all. Though, another friend just reminded me that I did say I'd go to him if something big went down. He's liked me for a long time, and we've been talking for long time online. I just dunno. I'm still not ready to be in a relationship so soon. It's so emotionally draining even when things are going well. I'm 25, screwed up almost every relationship I've ever had, and yet somehow people still like me enough to be in a relationship with me. It's astounding. The only thing I consistently did right was keep my vow to remain a virgin 'til marriage, but at this rate it might as well be a vow of celebacy.
megajessness: (Default)
Gaaaaaaarrrrrr, my phone! Argh, it keeps shutting off on me randomly, even on a full charge! It's the battery somehow, cuz when I first got it the phone operated fine for months! Then it starts pulling this crap. I keep missing texts and calls from work because of this bullshit!

Now I'm afraid my coworkers will think I'm unreliable just because I don't answer my phone or don't look at it often enough to see if it's still on. I mean, it was just *sitting there*! Not being jostled around or anything! D: WTF, man??
megajessness: (Default)
My poor feeeeett!! I should know better! XD; but no, I had to decide to wear 3-inch heel suede brown boots instead of flats. bleh. I have 4 pairs of flats to choose from, 3 of which are perfectly suitable for work, yet I didn't use my brain cuz I was in a rush. Meh. Not to mention I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep before Holly called me to tell me to dress up a little because of the visit. I slept more, but the interruption cost me and I woke up at 3 PM x.x

The visitation, by the way, went swimmingly. There were a lot of people from corporate there and almost all the supervisors were there in the early afternoon. The store looked fantastic, too. I barely had any recovery to do at all, though I ended up unable to keep up with go-backs thanks to my task of sizing men's clearance. Amber was kind enough to give me a ride home, and I got to meet her fiance, Kevin. He looks like a very good man, I hope those two have many happy years together.

And now! I enjoy my two days off after working 5 days in a row. yaaaay, a weekend in the middle of the week! XD
megajessness: (Default)
Ugh....I hate credit events at Kohl's. It gets our sales and credit numbers up, but really, man...It's a hazard to floor associates. I am a floor associate. It was busy enough of a Sunday that I was pulled out of kids and instead put to work in misses when I got there. Four hours of hell in a handbasket. Two Z-rails full of clothes and still more piling up. At least most of the rooms stayed clean most of the time, but dayum all those clothes! The hanging and the folding and I barely had time for recovery and meh!

Good lord my feet hurt. I wore myself out so much trying to get all that shit done. AND I HAD HELP!! UGH! one other person was running the extra z-rail for me and I still had enough to fill it again by the end of the night. argh argh argh. It makes me feel so bad that I couldn't make everything all nice and pretty for the morning crew and not give them so much to worry about as far as go-backs are concerned xD;

So that's pretty much it. I'm glad I'm appreciated for the work I do. hooey.

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