megajessness: (Default)
Why is it that whenever I do something that's viewed as breaking the rules, no matter if I take the consequences or not, I always think someone out there is going to hate me for what I did? That they're suddenly not going to like me for that one little mistake and hold it against me for the rest of my days, and bring it up to others to use against me?

It's an automatic response I have, and I can't help it, at all. I don't have that reaction to only the closest of friends I have, but to everyone else I think they're suddenly gonna hate me. I'm at the very least expecting a berating from every single person, and I am gonna take it like a bitch and cry myself to sleep. Cuz I don't like breaking rules, especially when I never intended to.

._____. I feel like such a child when I react this way. Next comes the impulse to disappear off the face of the earth and hope somebody forgets about the incident and/or forgets about me entirely. Just move on, nothing important to see, no, that person you knew wasn't really important anyway, no matter how much she'll miss talking to you and hanging out with you and bouncing ideas off you. No, not important at all. You wouldn't miss her anyway, she's just a crummy girl who can't follow simple rules and directions, why does she deserve to be acquainted with you?

True thoughts I have :/

Wut

Oct. 24th, 2011 12:56 pm
megajessness: (Mercury nyoron)
I keep forgetting my password for Maplestory, it's bugging the hell out of me ._.; I think I should just reset it, again, and try another password xD; I hate having to be forced to reset it after every so often, especially since I have others I need to remember.

Okay, moving on! I signed up for NaNoWriMo. I'm gonna do it, y'all, Ima try and write an original fiction novel, and I will be using my original characters for it. I already jotted down some important non-fictional notes, cuz of the times and places the entire story takes place in. Let's hope I can make it to 50K words and beyond!

Also, work is kinda kicking my ass again. Or kicking my feet. And my sleep schedule. Surprisingly enough, I seem to have enough energy that I may be able to stay up through the night, but I honestly doubt it XD I'll probably go konk out after I finish eating.

I woulda updated my Facebook with all this, but I apparently had too much to say. We also had the smallest table/tower truck. We got done unloading the entire thing, regular freight included, at 8 AM. We started at 6:15 AM. That's purty good if'n ya ask me.

Meeeh, I have so much to catch up on at Tegaki and my LJ RPs ._.; Work, you suck for taking up so much of my freetime.

And now I go to change the washer to the dryer 8D
megajessness: (Mercury wut face)
._. I am really not looking forward to my birthday this year. It's so drab, and so much is happening that my birthday is suddenly vastly unimportant. Not only that, the fact I'm 3 years away from 30 is not that exciting. In fact, I'm dreading being 30 and not have anything to show for it (in my eyes at least). I know I have all that I ever need, and I even have a boy who loves me and whom I love very much. But I had a specific image of myself that I used to imagine for when I reached my 30s. I'm nowhere near that image, even though I had all the opportunities set before me. I wanted to be married, be vibrant, beautiful, with the best curly hair that I could actually take care of, and to have a career I loved. Money doesn't fit into the equation, though I naturally assumed that I'd be able to live comfortably. I know I don't need to be rich to be happy, but I don't want to have to struggle so much financially either.

So as I get closer and closer to that stupid "magical" age I think of how little I've actually accomplished. It's so depressing right now, and I feel like such a failure. I cut my bonds to San Antonio and left almost everyone I love behind just for this? I thought I had more drive than that, but apparently not. Some things are looking up for us, but as of this moment I'm too depressed to take any joy from it. Besides, that good thing isn't exactly set in stone yet. And of course we're struggling, again, money-wise. We're pretty much constantly broke cuz we can't really afford to spend on anything other than bills and rent.

I used to be so excited that my birthday was coming up. I'd be getting well-wishes from everybody, and I'd make time to hang out with family and friends, and we'd go out and do something we all enjoy to matter if we could afford it or not. There was always something we could do that would make me happy, mainly because the people were there.

Now they're not. I only have Markie and Nathan up here, and what friends I do have are only through Nathan. Everyone else is back in Texas. I don't even want them to call me in 4 days because not only will I be working, it'll just depress me even further. I'm not telling anyone at work that day that it's my birthday, either. I don't want any birthday wishes from them either. Or, more correctly, I don't want any empty birthday wishes. I have no idea if they really care anything about me, and there are very few that I genuinely care for. I feel too distant with the rest. Iain, Angela, Sarah, Erica, Jesse, Perret, Peggy, Jim, Jereth, Brian, and maybe Teresa; those are the ones I feel closest to. Maybe even Carrie. She's such a sweet lady, and she's so genuine. Yeah, Carrie, too. I'd say Richard, too, but I was never sure with him.

People up here are much more "professional" in the purely dictionary sense than they are in Texas when it comes to work and the people they work with, even though it's a proven method that a closer team accomplishes more together than a team that knows nothing more about each other than their names and what they do. That's part of the reason why I feel like I can't get close to many of my coworkers at all. It could also be partly my doing because I'm constantly feeling the heartbreak of being away from the people I love the most. I don't want to add to that pain, but I do have to acknowledge that I do love them all very much. I can't help myself. I may not be close to them, but I still care for them.

...wow, I really go off on tangents, don't I? Bleh.
megajessness: (Default)
I wish the weather was warmer, still, but w/e. damn costal temperate climate.

So! I am finally remembering my dreams! I haven't been able to for months! Since...since grandpa died, actually. So after a year and 3 months I can finally remember what I dream about! They get interesting, tho right now I keep revisiting places I've already been to in other dreams.

How about that, huh? Basically creating your own world based on the one you live in now, do things in it, go back for more powerups--I mean, more, uh, whatever. Yeah, you can tell I play too many RPGs XD

Got a boyfriend just recently, for those of y'all that don't follow my Facebook. Old schoolmate of mine I've known since 2nd grade, David Sweatt. I tell you what right now, I will not tell him I have an LJ, he'll read it religously XD;; and I don't wanna deal with that just yet. He likes spending time with people he cares about and lavishes attention, and to be honest this is the very first guy that requires the same connection. I find I don't mind at all, and I like the attention I'm given in turn. This could probably work out pretty good, but we'll see.

My coworker Katie is out for surgery and recovering from said surgery for a while, so suddenly I have more hours XD It's wearing on me a little more than I expected. and for once I wasn't on truck this week. lol my homies missed me.

Also been seriously contemplating giving myself a wardrobe overhaul. I'm keeping the jeans I have, they're all still perfectly good pairs. Maybe another pair of khaki slacks for work, tons of new shirts to replace the old ones. I oughta find more nostalgic shirts to replace the ones getting holes in 'em XD;; I also wanna redo the amount and kind of shorts I have. I need at least one pair of jean shorts I can wear with any old t-shirt, and the rest I can have fun with. My capris I'm keeping, and I may get a new dress or two. I have too many black dresses. oh, and some semi-formal shirts too, I outgrew the ones I had >.>; bust got too big and they shrunk short anyway. If I wanna do that soon I'll have to sign up for a Kohl's charge account. It'll help build up my credit since I have practically none anyway.

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