So it's all over. I feel better, and I'm forever glad I have the support of family and friends by my side even though I live miles away from them. The wonders of the Internet.
Kyle pretty much knew, for himself, that we wouldn't marry the last time I said no during that spring break we went to South Padre Island. I could curse myself in hindsight for that blunder, but I couldn't lie to myself and say yes because I was cornered and scared again. I actually wanted to say "wait" but I didn't. Geh. And the time I actually turned around and said "you know what? I *do* want to" he never let me all this time. It ate me up inside more than I care to tell anyone. I've ranted and lamented enough about that.
He and I are still on good terms, because we still love each other to an extent. I personally can't help it. We've known each other for 11 years. If we never talked again after this it would truly be a waste.
It just sucks. I do want someone at my side for all time, and it still hurts that I came SO STUPIDLY CLOSE and I blew it. Shit.
I'm pretty sure that Heather hates my guts right now but she can whine and rant and seethe all she wants. I still hurt from the fact she called me delusional, when I'm anything but. I am an optimist, I believe in the good in people, the world, and situations. I've fought an uphill battle with realists and pessimists my entire life. I know what's out there, I know it exists, but that isn't my focus. Hope and faith is something wonderful, and love is the greatest force there is. Ever.
All in all I guess I feel excited, along with relief, because I'm finally free from all that tragedy that I allowed to happen. It's both Kyle and I's faults in a way. I still don't much feel like making many friends up here. I've felt so lonely and it's a little worse now that Kyle and I are through.
April's moving up here in little under two weeks. It'll help so much to have her here. so now it's time to mail back the ring he gave me, and I gotta find the dogtags he gave me xD; they're somewhere, I know they are. I'll need to scour everything I have to look for them, though, cuz I can't remember for the life of me where I put them.
