Aug. 6th, 2011

megajessness: (Mercury wut face)
._. I am really not looking forward to my birthday this year. It's so drab, and so much is happening that my birthday is suddenly vastly unimportant. Not only that, the fact I'm 3 years away from 30 is not that exciting. In fact, I'm dreading being 30 and not have anything to show for it (in my eyes at least). I know I have all that I ever need, and I even have a boy who loves me and whom I love very much. But I had a specific image of myself that I used to imagine for when I reached my 30s. I'm nowhere near that image, even though I had all the opportunities set before me. I wanted to be married, be vibrant, beautiful, with the best curly hair that I could actually take care of, and to have a career I loved. Money doesn't fit into the equation, though I naturally assumed that I'd be able to live comfortably. I know I don't need to be rich to be happy, but I don't want to have to struggle so much financially either.

So as I get closer and closer to that stupid "magical" age I think of how little I've actually accomplished. It's so depressing right now, and I feel like such a failure. I cut my bonds to San Antonio and left almost everyone I love behind just for this? I thought I had more drive than that, but apparently not. Some things are looking up for us, but as of this moment I'm too depressed to take any joy from it. Besides, that good thing isn't exactly set in stone yet. And of course we're struggling, again, money-wise. We're pretty much constantly broke cuz we can't really afford to spend on anything other than bills and rent.

I used to be so excited that my birthday was coming up. I'd be getting well-wishes from everybody, and I'd make time to hang out with family and friends, and we'd go out and do something we all enjoy to matter if we could afford it or not. There was always something we could do that would make me happy, mainly because the people were there.

Now they're not. I only have Markie and Nathan up here, and what friends I do have are only through Nathan. Everyone else is back in Texas. I don't even want them to call me in 4 days because not only will I be working, it'll just depress me even further. I'm not telling anyone at work that day that it's my birthday, either. I don't want any birthday wishes from them either. Or, more correctly, I don't want any empty birthday wishes. I have no idea if they really care anything about me, and there are very few that I genuinely care for. I feel too distant with the rest. Iain, Angela, Sarah, Erica, Jesse, Perret, Peggy, Jim, Jereth, Brian, and maybe Teresa; those are the ones I feel closest to. Maybe even Carrie. She's such a sweet lady, and she's so genuine. Yeah, Carrie, too. I'd say Richard, too, but I was never sure with him.

People up here are much more "professional" in the purely dictionary sense than they are in Texas when it comes to work and the people they work with, even though it's a proven method that a closer team accomplishes more together than a team that knows nothing more about each other than their names and what they do. That's part of the reason why I feel like I can't get close to many of my coworkers at all. It could also be partly my doing because I'm constantly feeling the heartbreak of being away from the people I love the most. I don't want to add to that pain, but I do have to acknowledge that I do love them all very much. I can't help myself. I may not be close to them, but I still care for them., I really go off on tangents, don't I? Bleh.


megajessness: (Default)

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