Mar. 19th, 2011 06:23 am
megajessness: (Default)
Please someone stop me from reading my older LJ baw-tastic entries again after this, especially since I still feel so disgusted at myself from being a total idiot and leaving San Antonio when I did. Good lord this past year and a half has been hard!

I'm still kinda bitter over it all, but that's always what happens when you're hurt by someone else. First the sadness, then the anger. I've been able to keep it from festering, but to be perfectly honest I don't care if I don't speak to him for a long time.

I'm also not moving back, not until after I get my bachelor's in marine biology, at the very least. Maybe, then I'll move back to Texas and continue my education there, but we'll see. I have a chance to achieve the dream I thought was going to be impossible when I was a kid. I'm good with art, I'm good with technology, both talents are in my blood; however, I always considered them hobbies, and I always said as much. My one true dream, my one true love that I had always wanted to get into and always loved learning about, is marine life.

And now, before I get off topic again~! All this makes me wonder how Heather's doing, and if things are going well for her. Ever since we broke ties I don't worry about her that much, but she's one of those friends where she's always been "fine" to some extent. She's spunky like that, and is good at taking care of herself. Even when she was having a shitty day, usually a few hours with some friends would be all she needed, and then afterwards some quality time with her cats...and maybe some alcohol XD

I also need to quit writing these when I'm so tired I can barely keep myself from nodding off at my computer.
megajessness: (Default)
So I thought I'd write in here, as last night was kinda giddy with rushing emotions that I'm still feeling the aftereffects of. Alicia knows what I'm talking about, I'll leave it up to her to brag about this to as many people as she wants to XD

So there's this guy (haw, and then everyone knew where this was going), right? But we didn't just meet; we've been talking for months, prolly a year or two already. I first knew him as an artist for a Sonic webcomic that was drawn, and drawn well, for once. I like sprite comics, but for sprite stuff something about the comic has to grip me really well in order for me to keep up with it. Then and only then will I begin looking at the artistic part of it XD Drawn comics online are such a novelty these days, especially if they're fan-comics.

Anyway! Gosh, when did we start talking? **five minutes later, after scrolling down his Watchers list on dA** Wow, I watched him on November 6, 2007. I know we began talking not long after that. Three years I've known this guy. Man, how time flies (hard to believe I've known Tony for even longer, too bad I don't talk to him much anymore). At first it was random hellos, some conversation here and there, but it wasn't until earlier this year that we began to get really close.

Shared pain can do that. One rants, the other rants, both sympathize because it seemed the same thing has happened to them, just under difference circumstances. Of course we both dealt with it differently, but it became more and more common with us. We've even recently shared the pain of big breakups in our lives that are still hard to get over. And in-between us bitching about life to each other, we hung out often and spammed each other links, YouTube vids, and talked shop (video games, mainly Sonic XD). We just ... talked. About everything, too. I love having friends like that.

It wasn't until his recent 21st birthday that we did anything. Rather, I did something for him, a special lil' birthday gift to help lift his spirits. It just came to me without any goading, without any convincing, and without any asking. I did this for him all on my own without a second thought and I enjoyed every bit of it. I may be virginal, but damn am I a showoff XD Still, I surprised myself.

After that everything just kinda ... I dunno. "Fell into place" isn't exactly right, and "escalated" isn't, either. Everything was business as usual, but he just wouldn't leave my mind. I became eager to talk to him, and even yesterday during my truck shift, when I saw friggin' Valentine's Day towels and such, I became excited about it. I never do that XD Usually if I see V-Day stuff I sigh and roll my eyes. "It's cute, but ugh." Those towels were in a real cute design too, they got good this year.

Now to the point of this entry! He's ... I ... we got together, just last night. I finally broke under my own pressure and asked him right out. I was contemplating it for a few days beforehand, but I thought I still wouldn't be ready or willing to put myself into another relationship that I want to last. Finally, I decided last night it was now or never, so I asked and expected a full rejection. He was still hurting from his own relationship, too, despite my help, and I honestly thought he wouldn't want to date again for a while. Instead I got a "...really? I'd ... like that." Apparently even he thought the same thing: wanted to date me, thought I wouldn't go for it, then lo and behold!

Yes, it's a long-distance relationship. Yes, I know those are hard. But you know, with all my experience with past relationships, coupled with the fact I am no longer afraid to board a plane on my own and just go for it, I'm more than willing to put in the effort. I'm also trying hard not to be too overwhelming all at once. I still want to lavish him so much attention just from texting back and forth, but I don't want him to get in trouble at work so I'm holding back. I'm also holding back a little for his sake cuz I don't wanna wind up scaring him away. hee, just around 5 hours 'til he gets home x3 And here I thought about changing my plan to reduce my minutes cuz I don't use them that much. I'm going to put that idea on hold, considering I'm going to use my phone a lot more now.

Overall, I'm very happy how this turned out, and I wanted to wait until I had enough sleep and coherency to let everyone know. Needless to say I don't quite feel like repeating the news a million times to other people but them's the breaks xD My guy is known as Nomad, name is Nick :3 he lives in Louisiana, and is not only a cutie but a sweety <3 I know I don't usually wind up dating friends, but right now I believe we're both exactly what we need.

This sucks

Jul. 3rd, 2010 11:35 pm
megajessness: (Venus Djinni Golden Sun Flint)
Yah, this sucks. So tonight my now-ex-boyfriend got online to talk to me because he wasn't feeling well. He went on about how he felt he wasn't being fair to me because he hadn't told me about his health condition (high blood pressure). He essentially broke up with me, but that hardly matters in my mind right now. I don't care if he thought he didn't deserve to have someone, everyone who knows me knows I believe that isn't true. Everyone deserves somebody. What's set me off is one, his meds aren't working; two, he was showing minor signs of what could be a heart attack; three, he never gave me any indication he'd do something about it despite my worried insisting.

I don't want him to have to be hospitalized because he didn't call 911 or something. He's gone back to bed now, but I still feel like he should have gone to the emergency room at the very least. I've already prayed for him and put him in God's hands, but like clockwork I'm still worrying over him and hoping and praying even more that he'll at least make it through the night. It's not safe to sleep on something like that when your body's acting up with those kinds of symptoms it just isn't. He said he was feeling "achy", "twitchy", and his hands had apparently broken out into a sweat. At one point he typoed so badly I thought he had collapsed.

I still have a feeling he was hiding most of it from me despite telling me about his condition. I wouldn't even care as long as he took care of himself. I don't buy the "I don't wanna worry you/burden you/put undue stress on you" bit anymore. I'm getting sick and tired of my loved ones dying around me. I'd like more than one year in between deaths, thank you very much! I'm so scared for him, scared that he'll just brush it off and won't get it taken care of.

Who knows, it may be nothing, but with symptoms that sound an awful lot like a heart attack coming on, it's not smart to take chances. It makes me wonder just how long he's gone without even so much as making an appointment to change medication. He's a sweet guy, he always was, I've never disliked him in all my years knowing him as a schoolmate.
megajessness: (Default)
I wish the weather was warmer, still, but w/e. damn costal temperate climate.

So! I am finally remembering my dreams! I haven't been able to for months! Since...since grandpa died, actually. So after a year and 3 months I can finally remember what I dream about! They get interesting, tho right now I keep revisiting places I've already been to in other dreams.

How about that, huh? Basically creating your own world based on the one you live in now, do things in it, go back for more powerups--I mean, more, uh, whatever. Yeah, you can tell I play too many RPGs XD

Got a boyfriend just recently, for those of y'all that don't follow my Facebook. Old schoolmate of mine I've known since 2nd grade, David Sweatt. I tell you what right now, I will not tell him I have an LJ, he'll read it religously XD;; and I don't wanna deal with that just yet. He likes spending time with people he cares about and lavishes attention, and to be honest this is the very first guy that requires the same connection. I find I don't mind at all, and I like the attention I'm given in turn. This could probably work out pretty good, but we'll see.

My coworker Katie is out for surgery and recovering from said surgery for a while, so suddenly I have more hours XD It's wearing on me a little more than I expected. and for once I wasn't on truck this week. lol my homies missed me.

Also been seriously contemplating giving myself a wardrobe overhaul. I'm keeping the jeans I have, they're all still perfectly good pairs. Maybe another pair of khaki slacks for work, tons of new shirts to replace the old ones. I oughta find more nostalgic shirts to replace the ones getting holes in 'em XD;; I also wanna redo the amount and kind of shorts I have. I need at least one pair of jean shorts I can wear with any old t-shirt, and the rest I can have fun with. My capris I'm keeping, and I may get a new dress or two. I have too many black dresses. oh, and some semi-formal shirts too, I outgrew the ones I had >.>; bust got too big and they shrunk short anyway. If I wanna do that soon I'll have to sign up for a Kohl's charge account. It'll help build up my credit since I have practically none anyway.


Mar. 23rd, 2010 06:31 pm
megajessness: (Default)
So it's all over. I feel better, and I'm forever glad I have the support of family and friends by my side even though I live miles away from them. The wonders of the Internet.

Kyle pretty much knew, for himself, that we wouldn't marry the last time I said no during that spring break we went to South Padre Island. I could curse myself in hindsight for that blunder, but I couldn't lie to myself and say yes because I was cornered and scared again. I actually wanted to say "wait" but I didn't. Geh. And the time I actually turned around and said "you know what? I *do* want to" he never let me all this time. It ate me up inside more than I care to tell anyone. I've ranted and lamented enough about that.

He and I are still on good terms, because we still love each other to an extent. I personally can't help it. We've known each other for 11 years. If we never talked again after this it would truly be a waste.

It just sucks. I do want someone at my side for all time, and it still hurts that I came SO STUPIDLY CLOSE and I blew it. Shit.

I'm pretty sure that Heather hates my guts right now but she can whine and rant and seethe all she wants. I still hurt from the fact she called me delusional, when I'm anything but. I am an optimist, I believe in the good in people, the world, and situations. I've fought an uphill battle with realists and pessimists my entire life. I know what's out there, I know it exists, but that isn't my focus. Hope and faith is something wonderful, and love is the greatest force there is. Ever.

All in all I guess I feel excited, along with relief, because I'm finally free from all that tragedy that I allowed to happen. It's both Kyle and I's faults in a way. I still don't much feel like making many friends up here. I've felt so lonely and it's a little worse now that Kyle and I are through.

April's moving up here in little under two weeks. It'll help so much to have her here. so now it's time to mail back the ring he gave me, and I gotta find the dogtags he gave me xD; they're somewhere, I know they are. I'll need to scour everything I have to look for them, though, cuz I can't remember for the life of me where I put them.


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