Writings of a Deranged Nerd

I really don't know how my mother did it some days. Sometimes, I feel so weary, like whatever little responsibility I have, or whatever burden I decided to bear whether it's my own or someone else's is just going to finally crush me and there'll be nothing left of me. Or, rather, it'll be like gravity trying to crush down a star and said star will explode out with force before finally succumbing to the forces that be.

Optimism is so hard to maintain in today's world. I've been nothing but an optimist, looking at the good in people first, thinking of them as inherently good, and I'd rather see a person's good qualities first and see their shortcomings second.

It's hard, because it takes a lot of strength to take in all the bad, deal with it, and focus the rest on the good that you find. There are tons of little things that relentlessly beat you down, chip away at you, and at the end of a period of time, you get so worn.

Some people heal themselves through friends and family, but I barely have any family up here, and none of my friends. Actually, I have a very hard time confiding in a lot of people. Most of the time I refuse to. I don't want to show any weakness, any vulnerability that someone will see and exploit.

I felt that weariness in spades last night. I had wanted to tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be the one carrying his confidence and my own in the relationship. It's been hard enough maintaining myself, and I seriously need a break. I just want to be taken care of, where I'll have no worries and I can focus on refreshing myself if only just for a few days. It was easier back home because I had friends I could rely on for that. We could go out and do things and I'd feel tons better. I can't do that now, not up here. I miss my best friends so much. I don't want to do something like that with my boyfriend, because I feel this is something reserved for friends, maybe even family. I really need to hang out with Markie more.

My poor Nick, he senses it, and he wants to make it better, to fix it, and he doesn't know how. I just want my friends back. I want that presence and that quiet support that comes with just being around each other. It's all coming to a head right now, and with my grandfather's 3rd death anniversary coming up it's just getting worse.

It got a little better last night, but I just really, really, REALLY need some friends right now. My online friends can do only so much. I need some physical friends here to talk to and hang out with and do stuff with.

My mother endured all sorts of things, and her strength is phenomenal. I admire her so much for it, and I want to have the kind of strength she does. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to bear it much longer and I'll just either snap in two or explode and collapse into a dense little ball of waste material.

Please someone stop me from reading my older LJ baw-tastic entries again after this, especially since I still feel so disgusted at myself from being a total idiot and leaving San Antonio when I did. Good lord this past year and a half has been hard!

I'm still kinda bitter over it all, but that's always what happens when you're hurt by someone else. First the sadness, then the anger. I've been able to keep it from festering, but to be perfectly honest I don't care if I don't speak to him for a long time.

I'm also not moving back, not until after I get my bachelor's in marine biology, at the very least. Maybe, then I'll move back to Texas and continue my education there, but we'll see. I have a chance to achieve the dream I thought was going to be impossible when I was a kid. I'm good with art, I'm good with technology, both talents are in my blood; however, I always considered them hobbies, and I always said as much. My one true dream, my one true love that I had always wanted to get into and always loved learning about, is marine life.

And now, before I get off topic again~! All this makes me wonder how Heather's doing, and if things are going well for her. Ever since we broke ties I don't worry about her that much, but she's one of those friends where she's always been "fine" to some extent. She's spunky like that, and is good at taking care of herself. Even when she was having a shitty day, usually a few hours with some friends would be all she needed, and then afterwards some quality time with her cats...and maybe some alcohol XD

I also need to quit writing these when I'm so tired I can barely keep myself from nodding off at my computer.

And so now comes the quest to get my laptop back into optimum working order, because for some reason my HD wound up having errors on it that were spreading. Thanks a lot, Vista ._. I had to actually open, for the first time since I got my laptop 3 years ago, the restore disk and use it. And of course now I gotta catch up on stupid updates, reinstall (or copy) what programs I had on here before, update Flash and Shockwave player, and then copy what music I don't already have on CD and also copy all my art and pictures back onto my C drive. And then I plan to defragment it.

So, hopefully my computer will run a little smoother now. yeesh, my poor laptop's been to hell and back. I've never had so many BSODs on any other computer than this one. I am soooo upgrading to Windows 7 ASAP. It uses less RAM, runs a helluva lot better, and it shouldn't be that expensive to upgrade; I just gotta save up a little for it soon as we take care of rent and other bills for the month of September. ._. aaand I just remembered, crap, tomorrow is the 1st XD; I won't have any spending money leftover after bills. I still need to write the check for our internet. I'm getting pretty good hours, but August was such a hard month financially, and then suddenly my computer problems started up. At least we won't be late on rent this month for once.

In my opinion I've taken good care of this laptop, and I'm sure it'll last at least another 4 to 5 years, especially if I upgrade the OS and the RAM like I want. 4 GB of memory is the max for this machine, but hey that's more than enough for me. and I haven't even used half of the HD space before I did the restore disk.

Though earlier today I tried to downgrade to XP 64-bit Professional. The OS installed and ran fine, but it conflicted with my hardware and didn't keep ANY of the drivers for it. My brother had to hunt them down for me, and even then it didn't completely work. Makes me wish I took a computer hardware class, cuz I like hardware, I like studying the specs and hearing about the capabilities of various NICs, graphic cards, sound cards, etc. I've always liked the idea of building my own machine from scratch and to my own specifications based on what I need. Plus it's fun to talk shop with other geeks. Like this morning at work I talked a bit of programming shop with one of my older coworkers, Barbara X3.

Anyway~ This would be why I wasn't online at all today :D I was fooling with my poor laptop XD and hoping to god I didn't have a bad sector that would cripple the HD altogether like it had with my previous laptop. The re-formatting worked, and now I just gotta play catchup. oy.

Gaaaaaaarrrrrr, my phone! Argh, it keeps shutting off on me randomly, even on a full charge! It's the battery somehow, cuz when I first got it the phone operated fine for months! Then it starts pulling this crap. I keep missing texts and calls from work because of this bullshit!

Now I'm afraid my coworkers will think I'm unreliable just because I don't answer my phone or don't look at it often enough to see if it's still on. I mean, it was just *sitting there*! Not being jostled around or anything! D: WTF, man??

Ugh....I hate credit events at Kohl's. It gets our sales and credit numbers up, but really, man...It's a hazard to floor associates. I am a floor associate. It was busy enough of a Sunday that I was pulled out of kids and instead put to work in misses when I got there. Four hours of hell in a handbasket. Two Z-rails full of clothes and still more piling up. At least most of the rooms stayed clean most of the time, but dayum all those clothes! The hanging and the folding and I barely had time for recovery and meh!

Good lord my feet hurt. I wore myself out so much trying to get all that shit done. AND I HAD HELP!! UGH! one other person was running the extra z-rail for me and I still had enough to fill it again by the end of the night. argh argh argh. It makes me feel so bad that I couldn't make everything all nice and pretty for the morning crew and not give them so much to worry about as far as go-backs are concerned xD;

So that's pretty much it. I'm glad I'm appreciated for the work I do. hooey.