Writings of a Deranged Nerd

I really don't know how my mother did it some days. Sometimes, I feel so weary, like whatever little responsibility I have, or whatever burden I decided to bear whether it's my own or someone else's is just going to finally crush me and there'll be nothing left of me. Or, rather, it'll be like gravity trying to crush down a star and said star will explode out with force before finally succumbing to the forces that be.

Optimism is so hard to maintain in today's world. I've been nothing but an optimist, looking at the good in people first, thinking of them as inherently good, and I'd rather see a person's good qualities first and see their shortcomings second.

It's hard, because it takes a lot of strength to take in all the bad, deal with it, and focus the rest on the good that you find. There are tons of little things that relentlessly beat you down, chip away at you, and at the end of a period of time, you get so worn.

Some people heal themselves through friends and family, but I barely have any family up here, and none of my friends. Actually, I have a very hard time confiding in a lot of people. Most of the time I refuse to. I don't want to show any weakness, any vulnerability that someone will see and exploit.

I felt that weariness in spades last night. I had wanted to tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be the one carrying his confidence and my own in the relationship. It's been hard enough maintaining myself, and I seriously need a break. I just want to be taken care of, where I'll have no worries and I can focus on refreshing myself if only just for a few days. It was easier back home because I had friends I could rely on for that. We could go out and do things and I'd feel tons better. I can't do that now, not up here. I miss my best friends so much. I don't want to do something like that with my boyfriend, because I feel this is something reserved for friends, maybe even family. I really need to hang out with Markie more.

My poor Nick, he senses it, and he wants to make it better, to fix it, and he doesn't know how. I just want my friends back. I want that presence and that quiet support that comes with just being around each other. It's all coming to a head right now, and with my grandfather's 3rd death anniversary coming up it's just getting worse.

It got a little better last night, but I just really, really, REALLY need some friends right now. My online friends can do only so much. I need some physical friends here to talk to and hang out with and do stuff with.

My mother endured all sorts of things, and her strength is phenomenal. I admire her so much for it, and I want to have the kind of strength she does. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to bear it much longer and I'll just either snap in two or explode and collapse into a dense little ball of waste material.

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This is actually a toss-up between Abraham Lincoln and Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt. Everyone knows the general story and accomplishments of "Honest Abe" and what he did for the USA, and with good reason. He moved this country forward with his radical political views and cynical mindset. He didn't believe things were just so because of something, or that they were always going to remain so. He brought about much needed change at the time that bettered this country in many ways.

The same goes for Teddy. I know some people say he only put the national parks we enjoy today (the most notable being Yellowstone) so that he could have a legal hunting ground, but doesn't that also require an understanding that the environment must be maintained? One can't enjoy their favorite sport without the playing field being properly cared for. He also had an appreciation for the wild lands as well, with how much he traveled. Teddy Roosevelt was the first president to put that kind of conservationalist mindset into action that has stuck to this very day, which Jimmy Carter expanded into energy effeciency, conservation, and sustainability. It's only a shame now that many state-run parks are in trouble all over the nation, and I think that would make Teddy very sad indeed. Teddy also didn't fall for any bullshit. He's the one that called out Rockafeller and put Standard Oil Company under investigation for underhanded business activities.

These two men were also very loved by the people, and these two men were not afraid to take action and stick to their objectives. This is something that everyone should strive for not only in a leader, but in themselves. This country was very fortunate to have these two men in office.

I keep forgetting my password for Maplestory, it's bugging the hell out of me ._.; I think I should just reset it, again, and try another password xD; I hate having to be forced to reset it after every so often, especially since I have others I need to remember.

Okay, moving on! I signed up for NaNoWriMo. I'm gonna do it, y'all, Ima try and write an original fiction novel, and I will be using my original characters for it. I already jotted down some important non-fictional notes, cuz of the times and places the entire story takes place in. Let's hope I can make it to 50K words and beyond!

Also, work is kinda kicking my ass again. Or kicking my feet. And my sleep schedule. Surprisingly enough, I seem to have enough energy that I may be able to stay up through the night, but I honestly doubt it XD I'll probably go konk out after I finish eating.

I woulda updated my Facebook with all this, but I apparently had too much to say. We also had the smallest table/tower truck. We got done unloading the entire thing, regular freight included, at 8 AM. We started at 6:15 AM. That's purty good if'n ya ask me.

Meeeh, I have so much to catch up on at Tegaki and my LJ RPs ._.; Work, you suck for taking up so much of my freetime.

And now I go to change the washer to the dryer 8D

._. I am really not looking forward to my birthday this year. It's so drab, and so much is happening that my birthday is suddenly vastly unimportant. Not only that, the fact I'm 3 years away from 30 is not that exciting. In fact, I'm dreading being 30 and not have anything to show for it (in my eyes at least). I know I have all that I ever need, and I even have a boy who loves me and whom I love very much. But I had a specific image of myself that I used to imagine for when I reached my 30s. I'm nowhere near that image, even though I had all the opportunities set before me. I wanted to be married, be vibrant, beautiful, with the best curly hair that I could actually take care of, and to have a career I loved. Money doesn't fit into the equation, though I naturally assumed that I'd be able to live comfortably. I know I don't need to be rich to be happy, but I don't want to have to struggle so much financially either.

So as I get closer and closer to that stupid "magical" age I think of how little I've actually accomplished. It's so depressing right now, and I feel like such a failure. I cut my bonds to San Antonio and left almost everyone I love behind just for this? I thought I had more drive than that, but apparently not. Some things are looking up for us, but as of this moment I'm too depressed to take any joy from it. Besides, that good thing isn't exactly set in stone yet. And of course we're struggling, again, money-wise. We're pretty much constantly broke cuz we can't really afford to spend on anything other than bills and rent.

I used to be so excited that my birthday was coming up. I'd be getting well-wishes from everybody, and I'd make time to hang out with family and friends, and we'd go out and do something we all enjoy to matter if we could afford it or not. There was always something we could do that would make me happy, mainly because the people were there.

Now they're not. I only have Markie and Nathan up here, and what friends I do have are only through Nathan. Everyone else is back in Texas. I don't even want them to call me in 4 days because not only will I be working, it'll just depress me even further. I'm not telling anyone at work that day that it's my birthday, either. I don't want any birthday wishes from them either. Or, more correctly, I don't want any empty birthday wishes. I have no idea if they really care anything about me, and there are very few that I genuinely care for. I feel too distant with the rest. Iain, Angela, Sarah, Erica, Jesse, Perret, Peggy, Jim, Jereth, Brian, and maybe Teresa; those are the ones I feel closest to. Maybe even Carrie. She's such a sweet lady, and she's so genuine. Yeah, Carrie, too. I'd say Richard, too, but I was never sure with him.

People up here are much more "professional" in the purely dictionary sense than they are in Texas when it comes to work and the people they work with, even though it's a proven method that a closer team accomplishes more together than a team that knows nothing more about each other than their names and what they do. That's part of the reason why I feel like I can't get close to many of my coworkers at all. It could also be partly my doing because I'm constantly feeling the heartbreak of being away from the people I love the most. I don't want to add to that pain, but I do have to acknowledge that I do love them all very much. I can't help myself. I may not be close to them, but I still care for them.

...wow, I really go off on tangents, don't I? Bleh.

Please someone stop me from reading my older LJ baw-tastic entries again after this, especially since I still feel so disgusted at myself from being a total idiot and leaving San Antonio when I did. Good lord this past year and a half has been hard!

I'm still kinda bitter over it all, but that's always what happens when you're hurt by someone else. First the sadness, then the anger. I've been able to keep it from festering, but to be perfectly honest I don't care if I don't speak to him for a long time.

I'm also not moving back, not until after I get my bachelor's in marine biology, at the very least. Maybe, then I'll move back to Texas and continue my education there, but we'll see. I have a chance to achieve the dream I thought was going to be impossible when I was a kid. I'm good with art, I'm good with technology, both talents are in my blood; however, I always considered them hobbies, and I always said as much. My one true dream, my one true love that I had always wanted to get into and always loved learning about, is marine life.

And now, before I get off topic again~! All this makes me wonder how Heather's doing, and if things are going well for her. Ever since we broke ties I don't worry about her that much, but she's one of those friends where she's always been "fine" to some extent. She's spunky like that, and is good at taking care of herself. Even when she was having a shitty day, usually a few hours with some friends would be all she needed, and then afterwards some quality time with her cats...and maybe some alcohol XD

I also need to quit writing these when I'm so tired I can barely keep myself from nodding off at my computer.

Sometimes I wonder about my own mental age. I have a lot of online friends, and most of them are younger than me; some are even minors. Teenagers, teenagers everywhere! I don't usually think much of it, at least until the typical drama starts up. I've been there, done that, and more and more I'm starting to feel that I need to stay away from it. My teenage years were the usual: a lot of firsts, good and bad, tons of drama and hormones in between. These years are not easy for anyone by any stretch of the imagination.

It makes me wanna help them out. Y'know, smooth things over a little for them and clear up some fog if they're confused. I had a role model like that before, why shouldn't they have the same thing? I'm still young enough that I still have the patience to stand whatever they throw at me. I can only hope I have even more patience for my own kids if I ever have any. Then, this question comes up, "Was I really that bad as a teen too? ...Yeah, probably. No, I know I was. I'm so sorry, Mommy."

Honestly, age is one of the last things I ask about a person when I meet 'em. I tend to automatically treat them like my own age, maybe even older depending on maturity level. Actually, it's a little different for those who are obviously a lot older than me, but I think that's a given. Same for babies, cuz they're so young. I'd still talk to them, but not like I was their best friend; I'd talk to them as if I were their second mother XD

Anyway! Back to teenagers in my slightly-sick stupor! 8D yes, I'm finally getting sick, bleh. I had a rant in here, then I drifted and then I forgot half of it. Basically, teenaged drama is starting to get to me more than I think it should. I really need to just sit back and let bygones be bygones, but that means distancing myself personally from my friends and I don't want to risk that. I just dunno, sometimes I wonder if I'm just too damn old for them all. I have plenty other friends my age to relate to, so no worries about that.

I also wonder if they in turn feel distanced from me anyway, simply because of age. I haven't forgotten what it's like, y'all don't have to act like I "won't understand". ...I understand the problem, I just don't understand anymore why y'all don't do anything about it like I think you should. The problem with hindsight is that it's totally one-sided. No one will take advantage of the wisdom someone offers them unless they make the same stupid mistake and get told "I told you so." That's just how it seems to go. I only want to help, but sometimes I wonder if I should just leave it alone for a bit.

If anyone watches The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, then you surely know about his Rally to Restore Sanity. If you watch The Colbert Report you might also know of Steven Colbert's Rally to Keep Fear Alive. They wound up putting both rallies on the same date, so naturally they had their rallies together. However, the single rally is still called Rally to Restore Sanity with sprinkles of Team Fear among the crowds, including costumed attendees.

The Rally had become a global event, with satellite rallies taking place around the world either the same day or on their own times because of time zone restraints. Of course, there were several satellite rallies taking place in the US, one of which is the Seattle Rally.

If you can believe it, the organizer, Jim Baum, for this event didn't even have cable TV. He was at a friend's house when he heard about Jon's Rally in Washington, D.C., and he along with a team of people got the word out, built a web site, and began accepting donations. After the budget, any extra donations are going straight to DonorsChoose.org, where donors choose a project teachers have posted to donate to. Some comedians were guests of the rally, along with one of Washington's own congressmen, Jim McDermott, and a man called Dave Ross as their MC (turns out he's a host for talk-radio station 97.3 FM up here).

The Seattle Rally was being held at 9 AM this morning. At around 7:45 AM Pacific time I went with Nathan and his school friends Jim, Kayla, and Anthony in two cars, on a crystal clear morning as the sun rose to clouds rolling in from the Pacific, offering a beautiful view of the surrounding mountains when the landscape opened up before us. We didn't get on the highway right away, deciding to catch a quick breakfast at our local Jack-in-the-Crack/Box.

Fall is a very wet time for the Puget Sound area, so naturally we felt thrilled the morning started out so clear and beautiful. It was too much to hope for that kind of weather for the rest of the day, however, it ended up raining about two hours into our rally. We wound up not worrying about traffic, luckily we left early enough. Too bad we paid out the nose for parking at one of the more expensive lots downtown; then again, it was right next to Public Market. It's right on the Sound, and there are 3 levels of shops inside while outside you can buy locally grown produce and locally caught fish. There's even a restaurant called Sound View where one entire wall is windows so you can look out onto the water. It must be excellent in the summer.

At Westlake Center, just a few blocks down from Public Market, the five of us chose a spot under a tree relatively close to the stage. It was directly in front of us, and we had a clear view of the screen they set up so we can view the Live feed from the main D.C. Rally that began at 12 PM Eastern time. Free flags were given away, also several copies of a book called Speak Up, Speak Out, and Be Heard: How to Protest and Make It Count by Jeremy Holcomb. It looks useful for the information it has if nothing else, though the purpose of the Rally is to encourage reason; if we're protesting anything it's hatred, anger, and corruption brought on by fear, sensationalism, and ignorance.

The clouds covered the skies quickly as the Rally began, starting with Jim Baum introducing himself to the crowd and then introducing the crowd to a volunteer to sing the National Anthem, to which we sang along. After a speech to set off the rally itself by Mr. Ross, comedians then took to the stage, with interviews in the crowd in-between. After one more comedian we finally were able to view the D.C. Rally as Jon Stewart took to the stage. Comedy Central was the one controlling what to show, so aside from the occasional lag the broadcast cut off at certain points so we could continue with our own plans. Oh, and for the record we all happily sang along to "Greatest, Strongest, Country in the World"/"No One's More American Than We"/however you want to title it.

It rained, it poured, it showered, supposedly typical of October in the Seattle area. I enjoyed myself despite my hands and feet turning into blocks of ice and despite getting properly soaked (thank god for fleece, it hardly ever soaks through). I wore my voice sore from cheering, and felt happy to be among like-minded people who finally stood up with the rest of the entire world to make a statement and bring sanity back to our everyday lives.

My feeling of everything going down the tube is gone, and I'm reassured about the goodness of people, the desire to make the world a better place, and the idealism I felt being squashed by negativity finally gained new strength to rise up above it all. We all left the rally feeling refreshed, reassured, and with the overall attitude that nothing gets done with everyone just screaming at each other.

No one has to be loudest anymore, rather we should all strive to be informed, serene, and open to suggestions and opinions of all kinds. People in groups can be either very weak or very strong together, it all depends on their state of mind. This is our nation, our home, our soil, our problems we want to solve, ours. The same goes for the other nations rallying in the name of sanity. The world can be harsh, but it's not the end of us.

For once, I'm glad to be up here in Washington. We got to look around the area we parked near (including the Public Market) before we drove home, take in the general atmosphere of the place, and I gotta say it's pretty nice. Redmond's attitude is still a little too stuck-up for me, but I'd get myself lost in downtown Seattle anytime if it meant I could hang out with a bunch of cool peeps. I still miss my home state of Texas, but I think I finally feel "at home" in Washington now. We all needed this Rally in more ways than one.

If I remember correctly, there was a satellite rally in Austin, TX. I can only hope that one went as well as the Rally up here. ^-^ Peace, y'all <3

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I can count on my family for anything, be it monetary help, a place to sleep, comfort, companionship, a day out to have some fun, absolutely anything. My family is a deep part of my heart and like God they act like my solid rock. I worry about them without cease, pray for their souls when the elderly relatives finally pass away, and I wish for nothing but the best for them. It was because of my family that my childhood with no or few friends was bearable.

There are also a few very close friends of mine that I consider family, y'all know who you are :3. Additional siblings, people I've known for years and plan to know and stay friends with 'til the day I die. The kind of love I have for my family is unshakeable, as is my loyalty and my wish to help them whenever they're in need. No matter what our issues are at the time, I know I can count on my family for anything if I ask.

Yah, this sucks. So tonight my now-ex-boyfriend got online to talk to me because he wasn't feeling well. He went on about how he felt he wasn't being fair to me because he hadn't told me about his health condition (high blood pressure). He essentially broke up with me, but that hardly matters in my mind right now. I don't care if he thought he didn't deserve to have someone, everyone who knows me knows I believe that isn't true. Everyone deserves somebody. What's set me off is one, his meds aren't working; two, he was showing minor signs of what could be a heart attack; three, he never gave me any indication he'd do something about it despite my worried insisting.

I don't want him to have to be hospitalized because he didn't call 911 or something. He's gone back to bed now, but I still feel like he should have gone to the emergency room at the very least. I've already prayed for him and put him in God's hands, but like clockwork I'm still worrying over him and hoping and praying even more that he'll at least make it through the night. It's not safe to sleep on something like that when your body's acting up with those kinds of symptoms it just isn't. He said he was feeling "achy", "twitchy", and his hands had apparently broken out into a sweat. At one point he typoed so badly I thought he had collapsed.

I still have a feeling he was hiding most of it from me despite telling me about his condition. I wouldn't even care as long as he took care of himself. I don't buy the "I don't wanna worry you/burden you/put undue stress on you" bit anymore. I'm getting sick and tired of my loved ones dying around me. I'd like more than one year in between deaths, thank you very much! I'm so scared for him, scared that he'll just brush it off and won't get it taken care of.

Who knows, it may be nothing, but with symptoms that sound an awful lot like a heart attack coming on, it's not smart to take chances. It makes me wonder just how long he's gone without even so much as making an appointment to change medication. He's a sweet guy, he always was, I've never disliked him in all my years knowing him as a schoolmate.